Saturday, July 23, 2011

It's Complicated

Remember when we laughed for no reason at all and spoke to each other like two people who truly cared? Remember when there was a time that you'd "swim across the ocean" for me or that I'd give you the chance to catch me when I spiraled down into a free fall?

We were friends then. All those things we did and said were all based on the foundation of friendship.

How did we forget how to communicate? We're adults, we know how to use our words, yet somehow we find it hard to really know what to say, when to say it and how to ask for what we really need?

When did it all become so damn complicated?

Why do we lie to one another and to ourselves? Because the truth about the truth is that it fucking hurts! Things don't end with the truth, it's just where you begin again with a whole new set of questions and that's not for the faint of heart. Life is already hard without the extra added bullshit that we bring on ourselves, why spend precious time caught up in deception? That time would be better spent in search of the self-destruct button!

The truth is just as hard as living a lie. But the truth is reality, it's validity, it's consistency, it's fidelity, it's integrity, it's sincerity. The truth pledges your allegiance to another person. The truth is faith and devotion. It's loyal and steadfast. It says to someone, I care enough about you to be honest, even if it hurts like hell. That pain that you are feeling right now, proves just how much I care.

This thing where we try to keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other is bullshit. We pick and choose who we want to keep close and once we've chosen those people we tend to stick by them. No matter how much we hurt them and they us. Those are the people that are still with us at the end of the day, they are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space is exactly what we need.

Deep down we'd love to believe that we are hard and impenetrable. Our hearts can't break if we don't open them up to begin with, right? We're hardcore like that. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough, it's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be so hard every once in a while. You don't have to be callous every minute of every day. It's ok to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do, as long as you choose your moments wisely.

We're scared, but sometimes it's good to be scared. It means we still have something to lose. We want clarity, but the thing about clarity is that it goes away and we simply revert back into cowards. Cowards who lose the ability to tell people how they really feel. We try to practice the art of forgiving and forgetting. While it is good advice in theory, it's not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, scores never settle. Old wounds never heal. We want to wipe the slate clean, but can we really? We are left hoping that someday we'll just be lucky enough to forget.

We went for a quick fix by ignoring the past that brought us here and suppressing future complications that might arise. Despite the fact that I'm swallowing Antabuse by the handful, you're still intoxicating. I'd like to run. I'd like to escape you. I'd like to forget you, but I can't. You're in my blood. So please don't chase me anymore unless your real intent is to catch me.

I've had many choices to make in my years and sometimes I chose wrong. Opportunities and chances we're missed along the way. Take all the time you need because you have choices to make and everything between us falls firmly on those choices. However, we do not get unlimited chances to have what we want out of life. Sometimes you have to stop, look around and breath it all in. Life is fleeting, this is it. It may all be gone tomorrow.

After we clear our heads and all the dust settles, know that we're friends, real friends. And that means, no matter how long it takes, when you finally do decide to look back, I'll still be here.

Surprise me just once and find a way to take my breath away.

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