Monday, September 26, 2011

Daddy's Girl

My Dad is not known for his Internet prowess. He send me a birthday greeting on Facebook that he posted as his own status. Good thing he is my "friend" or I might never have seen it. No matter how old I get, it is always good to know that I will always be his little girl. This message made me cry like a big baby, to which he said, "You are a big baby, but I love you anyways. 

Just like a Martin, tough on the outside, all soft and squishy on the inside. I am blessed!

Sept 26 is the birthday of my oldest daughter - old-what's her name - I of course know her name- it's Clem - you will know her as Kara. Clem (Kara) is real close to be the best thing that ever happened to me - bright, funny, hard working, giving, beautiful, playful,- an almost perfect person and daughter in every way. She has been the light of my life and at times a royal pain in my arse (ass for you Redskin fans) - She has never been dull and I love her dearly. She just ran 4 miles at her advanced age - Attaboy Girl!
Happy Birthday Baby

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Getting Old Ain't Bad. Getting Old, That's Earned.

My birthday is in four days, a time to wave goodbye to 365 days past and start anew. It's like a personal "New Year's Day" celebration and the beginning of a another year to get it right. I've got the memories, but I won't look back. Instead I will forge ahead to the next chapter of my life with wide, open eyes and a big happy heart waiting to be filled with what is to come. I welcome the possibilities, the joy, the laughs, the tears, the ups, the downs, the faults, the fears, the good and the bad. I want it all.

In the grand scheme of things, I am blessed. Blessed I tell ya! It isn't always easy being me but I wouldn't change me for the world. I'm making it down my own path exactly as planned. Always a work in progress, but I'm a girl of few regrets and have so very much to be thankful for. Mine is not a perfect life, but good one nonetheless. I've got love and peace and the best family and friends anyone could hope for, my wishes and wants are few and far between.

On September 26th, I will forgive what needs to be forgiven and forget what needs to be forgotten. Simple as that, I can leave it all behind and focus on the what's ahead. That is my gift to myself.

So to those in my life who have made the last year so special, I thank you, I love you and look forward to this year being even better!

And to those who are already throwing out the "old" jokes, bring it, 'cause I know I still look good! ;)

"Hell, I've always been old. You know what though, I don't mind. I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. It's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its because I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've laid under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well because I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way thorough a pretty damn good life if you ask me. Getting old ain't bad. Getting old, that's earned."  
-Maggie McGlone "The Guardian"

Friday, September 2, 2011

Anger Management

Growing up I was always known as the calm one, my sister on the other hand was the hot head. I was the pillar that people leaned on and expected to hold it all together whenever there was a crisis. I was Switzerland. I rarely took sides or placed blame. I processed things logically and was a voice of reason. I was always cool and collected, almost laid back to a fault, just drinking it all in without judgement.

My sister's reactions to the very same things were always much different, almost comical. She can fly off the handle at the drop of a dime and cause a whirlwind of drama in seconds flat. She is the eye of the storm that takes out everything in her path. She is in no way a horrible person but when triggered can say some of the most heinous things imaginable. I learned quickly not to take any of it personally, it is just her way of dealing with stressful events. Who am I to say that it's wrong, it's just her way. I've come to understand it and accept it in the name of sibling love.

She was always the fighter in the family and I was the lover. I could impartially work out the difficulties and be the peace to her wartime. Push me to my limit, I can take it every time...well almost every time. I have a great ability to internalize stress. I'm like a great dam inside capable of holding back even the roughest of waters. But on occasion, even my so-called impermeable concrete shell fails for one reason or another and I find myself overwhelmed with anger and spite.

There is no rhyme or reason to what sets me off. It could be a deliberate act of sabotage by an outside influence, inadequate emotional maintenance on my part or simply because I've exceeded my capacity to hold it all back. Everyone has their triggers and individual boiling points. It's not something that I am proud of and I take no pleasure losing control, but sometimes even the mightiest fall.

When the breaking point comes there is no stopping the rage. It's an uncontrollable frenzy of hostility. It shocks me to know that I am capable of such contempt and disrespect. It's only when I become so frustrated with a situation that I resort to this kind of behavior. It is a point when I can no longer rationally "do the right thing." Usually that is all it takes, a few minutes of mayhem and it's out of my system for good. My reserves have been emptied and I'm free.

I never thought of myself as someone to hold a grudge or allow myself to become so consumed with negativity that it left me all black and sullen inside. It's not who I am, yet it is something that I've let become a part of me lately. I've allowed it to change my psyche and crush my spirit.

That's unacceptable and I'm moving on. I've surrendered and I've got to let you go. As much as I may love the idea of you, I love myself more.

Thank you Siddharta for reminding me that it really is that easy to forget.

"Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten."