Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I Miss My Friend
Today marks the anniversary of your passing, it is hard for me to accept that you've been gone for five years. I still miss you every day.
Thank you for looking out for me from above. Even though I can't explain it, I know that you are here with me. Thank you for the feathers. I know, I know...my collection of them is everywhere. In my car console, my wallet, my makeup bag, in envelopes, in coat pockets & in suitcases.
I know that you must be so disgusted by the poor organization of them all, if it were you, I know that they'd all be placed perfectly in that shadowbox that houses a majority of them. You know, no matter how hard I tried, I never had your glorious flair.
When I think of you, my mind goes back to three memories of the weeks before your passing.
1. The late night phone call that you made to me the month before you died. God I wish I could have done more, I wished that I had known all the pain you were feeling inside. I run our conversation over & over in my mind to this very day, analyzing it for clues that I might have missed, but there were none, you covered your tracks too well & put on a brave, happy face, the way you always did.
2. You, me & Christine walking through the mall after lunch. Someone asked that if we could only wear one outfit for the rest of our lives, what would it be? You said an Equestrian riding outfit, complete with the boots & helmet. What made that image even funnier is that you had no interest in horseback riding. I picture you in heaven wearing that outfit, strolling through the clouds, looking ever so fabulous.
3. The Sunday before you left me, we had Cheesecake together. I had the banana cream pie cheesecake, which sadly they don't make anymore & you had had the Adam's peanut butter cheesecake. We laughed that day, as we had done so many times in the past. Little did I know that would be the last time I'd ever see your beautiful face.
Every time that I go into the trauma bay at work I think of you. I wonder what you looked like laying on that stretcher. What did they do to you? I know how a code works, I have participated in many in that very room. How long did the staff perform CPR on you before the Doctor called your time of death?
I still struggle with it as if it were yesterday.
I hope you are up there with your mother having a gay old time (no pun intended).
I miss you & love you from here to the moon & back.