The Mighty Jackalope

At what point in my life did I stop listening to my own advice and start following the "should haves" from others? It is like I just had an epiphany of sorts, Right now, at this very moment, I'm kinda figuring it all out, seriously people, this is one for the history books! Read on, because it's one of those rare moments where you actually get to witness a little "How Kara Got Her Groove Back," instead of the usual clumsiness that you're so accustomed to.

As it turns out, I don't do "Poor me" very well and to all those that have had to put up with it by offering up their own kind of "what works for me is..." kind of advice, I know you mean well, but deep down you hate saying it as much as I hate hearing it and wish that I was the last person on earth that you had to try to give advice to.

Because here is the thing, I'm gonna take it and then I'm gonna break it. You know, fuck up any semblance of what you told me I "should" do. I know your intent is good and I appreciate you caring enough about me to even consider advising me, it's what we do for the ones we love. We hate to see anyone hurt or misguided, I do the same thing. Every. Single. Day.

If you know me, then you know that I am a long-winded, loud-mouthed, "fixer of others," it's like I'm advising my friends from the floor of the Stock Exchange, he who speaks the loudest and longest wins, right? I also LOVE to hear myself talk, but guess what, I'm not actually listening.

All I do is talk, talk.

As it would seem, the only so-called "expert" on my life is me, and somewhere along the line I stopped listening to my own expert advice, most likely because I didn't want to hear what I actually had to say. See, if you tune out yourself and follow the advice of others, when everything falls apart, "you" aren't to blame.

"Well, if only I hadn't followed your stupid advice, then none of this would have happened."

Oh. My. Geezers, do I adore saying that, but it's time to start the weaning process.

My expert advisor, just stated that I should, and I quote,

"Man the fuck up Martin, if you are going to be truly kick ass, then you have to learn to balance out the ratio a little more evenly. Not work with the 90% protective armor, 10% "sugar and spice and everything nice" on the inside model that you've been rolling with. Oh and by the way, how's that been working out for you?"

Fuck you, when did you get to be so smart, Selfie?! And how is it that you've finally caught up with me? I've been evading you with great success for years. I figured the case went cold by now or you found something better to do with your time, but no, here we meet again. You're sneaky. Sneaky like a snake!

Alright, alright already. I'm listening, no really, I hear ya!

I feel like I'm coming out of the closet, but instead of giving some sort of statement about my sexual orientation, I'm saying "Hey, guess what guys, I am not as tough as I think I am!" But the reply is still the same, a collective "Duh, we know!"

Oh hello there, pleased to meet me.

I think I get it. Like for reals get it! Let's do this, Ms. Martin F.T.W.!

*If you'd like to know more about the jackalope species, please read Getting to Know Your Inner Killer Rabbit.

So Very Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving.

A day to simply pause, remember and give thanks.

On many other days I find myself suffering the guilt of the almighty "covet." Stressing over the things that I don't have, salivating over the things that I want and dreaming of the things that I hope to one day have.

On days like today, when I stop and let the quiet that surrounds me take hold, free of all the chaotic clutter that often clouds my judgement, I can openly reflect on the things that matter most, the things that I am exceptionally grateful for and how blessed my life truly is.

In my otherwise cynical little world, it is one of the few days where sappy salutations and attention to the lovey dovey are totally acceptable!

I am appreciative for the simple things, my health,  a roof over my head, a car that runs, gainful employment, food in my fridge, a case of Diet Dr. Pepper in my pantry, a roomful of Pottery Barn furniture that I got with my huge employee discount, a ridiculous looking dog and two scrunchy cats; one of which has just celebrated his 18th Thanksgiving dinner of Friskies turkey and byproduct canned cat food by my side.

So I'm a crazy cat lady, don't judge! Besides which, Shadrach is the only man in my life that has stuck with me through thick and thin, loves me for me, rarely gives me any sassy talk back and keeps me warm at night.

That stuff is the icing, but the cake...the delicious innards are what is the most satisfying. I mean, who wants to cut into a beautifully decorated confectionary only to find a worn out, bland brick of nothingness?

I want the red velvet and the opportunity to eat it every day...and I do, thanks in part to the two things that matter most.

Family: Many believe that they "have the best one in the world" and maybe they do...in their own eyes, but from where I stand I could not ask for a better one. We Martins are far from perfection and at times even a little dysfunctional, but we have the roots that keep us strong and fertilizer needed to keep growing.

Our twisted branches tell a story of generations past and a future filled with hope. We are bold and bright; dazzling even.

Mom, Dad, Kelly, Kaylie, Emma and Rachelle, my immediate circle who keep me forever cocooned in affection and the gorgeous outer shell that makes up my extended family, one that spans the country and beyond.

We are an amazing group of individual personalities tied together under the family tree through fate. No matter the miles between us, each of them are with me every step of the way. They are my life, my insides and a cherished gift.

Friends: New and old. Over the years I have thankfully lost fewer than I have made. To those that I have forfeited along the way, I am grateful for what needed to be learned and appreciate the clarity given in return.

The oldies but goodies and the constants...the ones who without, my life would be humorless and empty. The ones who stick with you through the messy parts and the same ones who care enough to cut you down to size without all of the useless fluff; please continue to say the things that I don't always want but need to hear and I promise to always give back in return.

Some would say that there is no way that I could be truly happy, how could you without the companionship of a husband or the comfortable security that comes with a hefty bank account or the selflessness of being a parent?

There may be no logical explanation as to why, but simply put, I just am. The things that I've chosen for my life work for me; the love and laughter that surround me will always carry me through and for that I am so very thankful.

IHOP-ness

There are few things better in this world then breakfast at IHOP at 3:00 in the morning with friends.

Good conversation, lots of laughs (because everything is funny at 3 am) and strawberry covered pancakes.

A tiny slice of perfection.

That being said, I can't help but to dumb it down a little and take dining out to an adolescent level. Every time I eat at IHOP I automatically think of something that I heard long ago on "The Don & Mike Show."

In a bit where listeners called in and tried to make the duo laugh, I recall one of the few times that it actually worked. Don & Mike both cracked up and the caller won some fabulous prize.

How did he do it? By simply asking the pair to spell out IHOP followed by the word "ness" three times.

Go on, try it. You know you want to!

I-H-O-P-ness
I-H-O-P-ness
I-H-O-P-ness

It makes me giggle with delight and proves, without a doubt, that I have the mentality of a 13 year old boy.

Whatever Gets You Through The Night

Last night at work felt like a lifetime.

It was busy and chaotic, add to that the fact that I was running on minimal sleep and it was a recipe for disaster.

Nocturnal living isn't always what it is cracked up to be.

It was one of those nights when you look in the mirror and the reflection staring back actually looks like it feels sorry for you.

All the coffee in the world couldn't have saved me, but one thing did get me through.

I heard one of the most ridiculous phrases ever uttered, it made no sense at all, but it made me laugh every time it was said.


It was a response to a question delivered by a sweet old Grandma when asked when she would be coming for a visit that went something like this...

Keri: "Hey Granny, when are you going to come visit me already, it's been a while."
Granny: "I have an idea, why don't you sit back on your fist and rev back on your thumb."


What the hell does that even mean?! It doesn't even make any sense!

Who cares really because it was hilarious, even just thinking about it right now makes me laugh.

Of course, the delivery of that line had something to do with it, thank God my friend Keri is funny...REALLY funny!

I'm all about the funny, if you can genuinely make me laugh then you've got my respect. It is the one thing in this world that I cherish above all other things.

Laughter brings joy and love and comfort and all the goodness in people.

Keri is effortless when it comes to making people laugh, she was born naturally funny and I appreciate that oh so much.

It makes a stressful work environment more tolerable.

I thank my lucky stars that I have been given the gift of my co-workers. Every one of them holds a special place in my heart for different reasons. I could not ask for better people to get me through the night.

Laugh Hard, Laugh Often

My nieces.

I love people who make me laugh. I honesty think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person. 


- Audrey Hepburn